


Confusion

by splishsplosh26



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-02-19 15:11:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2392979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splishsplosh26/pseuds/splishsplosh26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lorna considers her sexuality more deeply</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Everything That Rises Must Converge](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2031516) by [narcolepticbadger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/narcolepticbadger/pseuds/narcolepticbadger). 



> I hope this is the beginning of something good, please let me know if you think I should continue it :)

Lorna had never liked a girl before she met Nicky, let alone touched one. She’d convinced herself at the beginning of their sexual escapades that it was just physical, and that it would be impossible to get through her sentence without another person’s touch. But she began to feel herself falling for Nicky, which is why she called it off that day in the chapel, although as usual, she used Christopher as an excuse. And even though she joked with Nicky during her and Boo’s sex competition, it was killing her inside that Nicky was sleeping with other girls. Not that she wanted to, she just didn’t want anyone else to. She was confused to say the least. When Lorna got thrown into the SHU after Miss Rosa’s escape, she had a lot of time to think about things.

First and foremost, she’d never met any lesbians in her neck of the woods. In the Italian community, family was most important, which meant that relationships only occurred between a man and a woman, if only for reproductive sake. Her brother Mikey and her Dad always used homophobic slurs when they were watching the game, as did every other guy on the block. There’d been a female teacher at her high school who ran off with one of the students’ mothers, which was highly salacious gossip at the time, but Lorna hadn’t paid much attention, after all, she wasn’t part of the ‘dyke’ group.

On her first day at Litchfield, Lorna had been warned by Mr Healy to stay away from the lesbians. As far as she could tell, there was only one lesbian amongst the inmates – Boo. She determined this based on Boo’s haircut, tattoos, and the fact that Boo is as subtle as a sledgehammer. She was taken aback when she found out that Nicky was a lesbian, given that she’d had a couple of pleasant conversations with the girl, and it didn’t appear that she wanted to get in Lorna’s pants. The first time she can remember being attracted to Nicky was when Nicky told Lorna that her red lipstick looked hot, well...in as many words. Red had given Lorna the tube of red lipstick, which was left behind by another inmate, as Red noticed that the petite girl was having trouble settling in. It wasn’t so much what Nicky said, but the way she said it. 

They were the last ones in the showers that morning, Nicky taking her time, pretending to do something with her hair so that she might grab another minute with the girl that she couldn’t stop thinking about. Normally Nichols would have been elbow deep in her pussy by now, but there was something fragile about Lorna that made her take her time. She’d heard Lorna crying at night, and if it weren’t for the guards, she would have been there in a second to comfort Lorna. Anyway, that morning in the showers, Nicky was wrapped in a towel, and Lorna, also wrapped in a towel, was focused on applying her lipstick in the makeshift mirrors. As Nicky finished up at the sink, she walked up to Lorna, reaching to place her short wet hair back behind her ear. She stepped closer and whispered gently, “You look hot kid”, winking as she left. Lorna felt her stomach turn, in a good way. She’d felt this way about guys before, of course, but this was the first time she’d physically felt like kissing a girl. And that’s when all the Christopher business started up again. Lorna hadn’t mentioned his name before then to anyone in Litchfield, sure she’d thought about him constantly, but she was determined to move on – that was why she was in prison wasn’t it? To atone for her misdeeds, try and forget about Christopher and make something of her life? The feeling that she wanted to kiss Nicky scared Lorna half to death. It wasn’t natural, she thought. Well, it wasn’t for her, anyway. So Lorna did what she does best – she hid her true feelings, and began to make believe that she was engaged to Christopher. Nicky would surely leave her alone if she thought she was engaged, right?

Even with Lorna’s incessant chatter about bridesmaids and veils, Nicky persisted chasing her. In fact, Nicky took it as a challenge – no girl in Litchfield had ever refused her advances, and she liked that about Lorna. One day, about a month in her stay, they were standing in the lunch line, Lorna debating for about the fiftieth time, what colour corsage she was going to wear. “MAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!”, Black Cindy yelled at Lorna. Nicky was standing between them, and shoved Black Cindy, sending her jello flying from her tray. “OH NO YOU DIDN’T, BITCH!”, Cindy screamed, towering over Nicky with her crew ready to pounce behind her. “It’s all right, it’s all right, here have mine!”, Lorna had wedged her way in between Nicky and Cindy – one of the upsides of being so tiny was that she could duck and swerve with ease. Cindy snatched Lorna’s jello out of her hand and stepped back, “Control your woman”, she said, pointing at Nicky, and leaving the lunch line for her table. Suzanne made her eye signal at Nicky and followed. Lorna remained quiet through the rest of lunch, contemplating what Cindy had said. She’d come to understand the role of prison wives in the Litch, but it had just dawned upon her that she was becoming one. “Hey kid, I nearly just got my face rearranged because of you, you could at least be a bit grateful”, Nicky said poking Lorna in the ribs playfully on their way back to the dorm. “Why do you keep talking to me when everyone else hates me?”, Lorna turned around, asking Nicky point blank. “You tickle me, kid. Yeah, you give me a headache sometimes, but I’ve got to have some entertainment in this place”, Nicky was looking at the ground, shuffling in place with her hands in her pockets. Lorna mulled this over quickly, she’d never had a friend, let alone one who had ever said something nice like that to her. A faint smile grew across Lorna’s face, “I know you want to sleep with me Nicky”, she said quietly. “Who, me?”, Nicky replied, feigning innocence. “Look, I’ve never been with a girl, but I guess we could all use a little comfort once in a while, right?” Nicky was taken aback, almost lost for words, “Uh yeah, sure”. “So, how does this work, do we go to the chapel?”, Lorna said shyly. Nicky could not believe what she was hearing, “Uh yeah, follow me”, she said, taking Lorna’s hand. 

Months, after that day, curled up on the bed in SHU, Lorna replayed the events in her head. She knew she probably shouldn’t have started having sex with Nicky just because she’d been nice to her, and because she felt like she needed some physical comfort. But how was Lorna to know that’d she’d fall in love? It was excruciating for her to call it off, about three months later in that same chapel, but Lorna was so confused and scared, and couldn’t verbalise her feelings to anyone, not even, or perhaps especially Nicky. She wasn’t gay, she’d kept telling herself. But Nicky made her feel the same way as Tony in West Side Story did, the first time she’d seen the movie, even though she was only 8. Lorna couldn’t process this information – she wanted to have Nicky’s babies!? How could she feel so safe and loved when Nicky cradled her? Lorna’s mind jumped to the moment she heard about Nicky and Boo’s sex competition. She’d felt physically repulsed at the thought of someone else cradled in Nicky’s arms – although she didn’t know at the time that Nicky had never cradled anyone after sex, except Lorna. She knew it was selfish to feel that way if she wasn’t with Nicky, but the other option – having to declare her sexuality to the world, and her family – was unthinkable. When she heard that song on the radio outside the hospital, Lorna had thought of Nicky, but was so petrified of her own feelings, that she immediately projected those feelings onto Christopher. Better crazy then gay right? This was the thought in Lorna’s insanely beautiful mind that made her drive to Albany. She’d been planning her perfect white wedding since she could remember, and where the hell did Nicky fit into that!? No. No. Lorna pushed these thoughts into the darkest corner of her mind and put her foot on the pedal. When she’d started stalking Christopher before she went to prison, it was because she was in love with the idea of him – having a home, babies, and someone to protect her. Now there was an actual person in her life who she’d connected with and she’d fucked it up again – Nicky did not fit the description of a potential husband, and worse yet she felt like she had lost her best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

Hours seemed like weeks in the SHU. Lorna wrestled with the demons in her mind over and over. The longer she spent in there, the less her thoughts about Nicky became clearer. She wasn’t at all focused on the fact that she was in there for helping Miss Rosa escape – for that she was happy. If she couldn’t be happy herself, at least someone else could be.

After her 12th day in the SHU, Lorna was released. She certainly wasn’t allowed to drive the van anymore – this was a job that had been passed onto Chapman. As her eyes adjusted to the light outside, Chapman nearly balled Lorna over. “Oh thank God you’re alright!”. They embraced, although Lorna was still feeling very withdrawn and unsteady on her feet. Not to mention the fact that she hadn’t done her hair or makeup in nearly two weeks. She looked like a ghostly version of the Lorna that Chapman had known. “You’ll be ok”, Chapman whispered in her ear. Lorna gave a weak smile and climbed into the van with Chapman behind the wheel and Bennett riding shotgun. He seemed wrapped up in his own thoughts so Chapman jumped into filling Lorna in on what had happened while she was gone – how Vee had escaped and been killed, how nobody had any idea where Miss Rosa was, how Alex was back in prison, and finally, how much Nicky had suffered while Lorna was in SHU. “She’s been distraught, Lorna. I mean she hasn’t said anything, but she hasn’t been herself, you know? She mopes around all day, doesn’t even talk back to Luscheck in the shop. I can tell she misses you like crazy”. Lorna missed Nicky too but her thoughts were more muddled than ever. As Chapman parked the van and they got out, Lorna asked if she could speak with her privately (if there were such a place in prison). Chapman agreed happily, and more than little intrigued. 

They found that the TV room was empty, everyone else was at work. Lorna took her time to arrange the words in her head and finally came out with something, “Chapman, would you call yourself…gay? I mean I know you had your fella, but then there’s Vause. What...? How...? I’m sorry, I’m messing this up”. “Not at all, Lorna, I completely know what you’re trying to say, and believe me, I’ve thought about this over and over myself. I mean, I loved Larry, I really did, but I also loved Alex. Still love Alex? I’m not sure. I know it can be really confusing coming to terms with your sexuality, but it’s your business and nobody else’s. It’s ok to fall in love with a person, regardless of what parts they may have. 

Lorna looked relieved at this, so Piper pressed on. “Look, I’ve seen the way you and Nicky look at each other. It’s the same way Alex and I look at each other. You make each other shine, you dread not being around one another, and she has been moody as hell without you. You may drive each other crazy sometimes but nobody is perfect. This life is hard enough without having the one person you love by your side.” Lorna’s smile almost reached her eyes this time. “Thanks Chapman, you’re so good with the words”. Piper hesitated for a beat, “Look Lorna, I don’t want to pry but I heard about the Christopher thing”. Lorna’s face dropped, looking absolutely mortified. “I overheard your conversation with Crazy Eyes at the Valentine’s Day dance. Christopher is a fool for giving you up". 

Lorna wiped away a tear that had slid down her face. Piper gave her another hug and Lorna sobbed. She started rambling, “I missed you guys so much, and I was so confused, and I love Nicky, I do, it’s just, this isn’t the way things were meant to happen, and…” Two weeks of thoughts came pouring out of her mouth. “Shhhh”, Piper said smoothing Lorna’s hair. “You think any of this was meant to happen?”, Piper laughed, holding Lorna’s delicate face in her hands. Lorna laughed for the first time and it felt so good. “See there’s that Morello smile!”. She hugged Chapman again and thanked her. “Look Lorna, you don’t have to rush things with Nicky, she’ll just be thrilled to see you. Lord knows you’ve got enough time to worry about the future, but not today, just go and be with her”. As Lorna composed herself, thanking Piper again and heading to her temporary dorm room, Chapman felt a little lighter for having helped someone that day. She looked at Morello as the little sister she never had, and she truly wished for her and Nicky to be happy together.

Lorna hung around the dorm all day as she didn’t have a job to go to. She’d been so confused in the SHU, but everything Piper said made perfect sense. Who cares what parts Nicky has? And who’s business is it who she loves? Lorna had been so worried about what her family would think, and she still was, but as Chapman said, she had plenty of time to worry, just not today. In a sudden rush of excitement about seeing Nicky, Lorna decided she needed to pee. As she finished up in the stall, she opened the door, not expecting to see anyone, but there was Nicky, leaning against the sink. “Hey kid, no lipstick in SHU?”. Lorna darted at Nicky, wrapping her arms around her neck, standing on her tiptoes so that their lips could reach one another. They’d had sex plenty of times, but never actually kissed, Lorna realized. As Nicky’s lips parted, she slid her hands down to Lorna’s hips, Lorna’s tongue quickly moving into Nicky’s mouth. Nicky pulled back for a second, “Whoa, good to see you too!”. “I missed you, and I don’t care what parts you have!”, Lorna said. “Good to know”, replied Nicky.


End file.
